Monday, October 09, 2006
we all fall down, like toy soldiers...
Someone once predicted that my lack of control over my temper, my tongue, my self, would be the very cause of my downfall. Or something like that. When you're wee, you don't remember complex things like that... and my mom tend towards big issues. But i was, what, six? Mind you.
My teacher once observed i have this inclination to burden myself with worldly worries... at an age where Happy Meals could really make you happy. Of course it takes more than a meal of measly portions of junk food with an accompanying toy to keep me happy now but do you know back then they used to have really cool toys? I used to have clockwork hamburgers and cokes and fries... they all jigged to some music i couldn't hear. It's different now, the toys are dumb plastic things. No wonder the kids now...
My teacher thought i was different. She used words like melancholic, introverted, imaginative. They were meaningless then, i hardly cared what i made myself out to be in the eyes of the world. But my teacher worried for me, and had a talk with my mom, whom i believed was secretly sniggering silently because she knows i'm the last person anyone should every worry for. But maybe my teacher, Miss Tan, knew that too. She left me with several books, lovingly decorated with flowers and glitter glue, for me to write anything i wished to. She believed i had stories to share. Or maybe she just believed i was a deeply disturbed little girl who needs to feed my eccentricity with constant writing?
I don't know what my fears are, really. But i feel it all around. My mom said i was a hardy girl, but vulnerable at the same time. I made myself believe i'd be safe and untouchable if i kept away from the world, and the world away from me. Of course it's not right -- it dented my development. But on the flipside, i spent more time with myself and the person within. I see so much more than if i were to be released into the main river.
But there has to be a time when i'll have no choice but to join everyone else and the time did come. It was a real struggle trying to breathe underwater and swim when i had been flying all my life. The local education system killed me? Like how video killed the radio star. Rigid academics, template school friends, local social norms... these were but just a few of the concepts which i fail to grasp because i was overwhelmed by the newness of them all.
I flew low... dipping my toes in water but never quite immerse myself in it. Somewhere along, i faded.
I'm nineteen now and i've made mistakes as much as anyone else. None to be proud of. I've gained and i've lost, i'm just like you. But i harbour an innate anger towards nothing in particular. Nothing i can put a finger on. I'd like very much for people to know that, despite having a terrible temper, an inexplicable affinity to utilize words which are hurt-inducing, and a seemingly less-than-desirable demeanour, i am so much more than that. Yes but i'm still that worrying girl with an equally worrying imagination however. If i should trip and fall, it is but my own doing. Says my mom, i speak faster than i think. Says my clinical instructor, my mouth works faster than my hands. Says me, i should just shut it. If i get ten cents for every person i've ever hurt, i'd have been a gazillionaire by now. There are some lessons i never seem to learn. And it irks me most.
So the world has seen me at my worst. I wonder if it'll ever see me at my best?
--------------------------------------------------------
fara // 01:15
we all fall down, like toy soldiers...
Someone once predicted that my lack of control over my temper, my tongue, my self, would be the very cause of my downfall. Or something like that. When you're wee, you don't remember complex things like that... and my mom tend towards big issues. But i was, what, six? Mind you.
My teacher once observed i have this inclination to burden myself with worldly worries... at an age where Happy Meals could really make you happy. Of course it takes more than a meal of measly portions of junk food with an accompanying toy to keep me happy now but do you know back then they used to have really cool toys? I used to have clockwork hamburgers and cokes and fries... they all jigged to some music i couldn't hear. It's different now, the toys are dumb plastic things. No wonder the kids now...
My teacher thought i was different. She used words like melancholic, introverted, imaginative. They were meaningless then, i hardly cared what i made myself out to be in the eyes of the world. But my teacher worried for me, and had a talk with my mom, whom i believed was secretly sniggering silently because she knows i'm the last person anyone should every worry for. But maybe my teacher, Miss Tan, knew that too. She left me with several books, lovingly decorated with flowers and glitter glue, for me to write anything i wished to. She believed i had stories to share. Or maybe she just believed i was a deeply disturbed little girl who needs to feed my eccentricity with constant writing?
I don't know what my fears are, really. But i feel it all around. My mom said i was a hardy girl, but vulnerable at the same time. I made myself believe i'd be safe and untouchable if i kept away from the world, and the world away from me. Of course it's not right -- it dented my development. But on the flipside, i spent more time with myself and the person within. I see so much more than if i were to be released into the main river.
But there has to be a time when i'll have no choice but to join everyone else and the time did come. It was a real struggle trying to breathe underwater and swim when i had been flying all my life. The local education system killed me? Like how video killed the radio star. Rigid academics, template school friends, local social norms... these were but just a few of the concepts which i fail to grasp because i was overwhelmed by the newness of them all.
I flew low... dipping my toes in water but never quite immerse myself in it. Somewhere along, i faded.
I'm nineteen now and i've made mistakes as much as anyone else. None to be proud of. I've gained and i've lost, i'm just like you. But i harbour an innate anger towards nothing in particular. Nothing i can put a finger on. I'd like very much for people to know that, despite having a terrible temper, an inexplicable affinity to utilize words which are hurt-inducing, and a seemingly less-than-desirable demeanour, i am so much more than that. Yes but i'm still that worrying girl with an equally worrying imagination however. If i should trip and fall, it is but my own doing. Says my mom, i speak faster than i think. Says my clinical instructor, my mouth works faster than my hands. Says me, i should just shut it. If i get ten cents for every person i've ever hurt, i'd have been a gazillionaire by now. There are some lessons i never seem to learn. And it irks me most.
So the world has seen me at my worst. I wonder if it'll ever see me at my best?
fara // 01:15
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♥ Fara. Forever20. Nurse. In the pursuit of kidnapping Happy.
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